Excerpt On Left Nut Discussion

[12:59] Him: see, now his comment contains naughty words that her virgin ears shouldn't read
[13:00] Him: uh, virgin eyes
[13:00] Me: Hehe.
[13:00] Me: That's okay, she's probably not a virgin.
[13:00] Him: then what's the problem? she's already familiar with men's left nuts
[13:00] Me: Haha.
[13:00] Me: But why not right ones?
[13:01] Him: those too
[13:01] Me: Maybe they say it to avoid ambiguity; if they say, "My right nut" people may take it to mean, "My correct nut" or "My nut that is honourable."
[13:02] Him: or maybe they are part of the conspiracy of right-handed people who value everything on the right, while conflating all things left as sinister and evil.
[13:03] Me: Maybe. But wouldn't you rather keep your evil nut than your "nice" one?
[13:03] Him: like, if you had to give an arm, you'd give your right, since you're left handed. but if you're right handed, you'd give your left arm, and hence your left nut
[13:03] Me: That makes no sense and you know it.
[13:03] Him: well, depends on the nature of its evilousity
[13:04] Me: I would assume it's the one that whispers to your unit, "Psst! Yo, over there,... see that? Yeah, point yourself in that direction, buddy. Right on."
[13:04] Him: I think, given the purpose of a nut, that'd be it's JOB, and thus it'd be doing good.
[13:04] Him: no, it does make sense. given two identical nuts, either is fair game for a trade. but given the cultural bias against the left side, the left nut is considered inferior
[13:05] Me: I wonder if people in Britain, who drive on the other side of the road, say, "I say there, Nigel. I would give my right nut for that crumpet."

Cut It Off

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah. So when I was in the spaceship apparently I wasn't conscious, but through extensive hypnotherapy (that I had to pay because our government is so cheap) the following dialogue was extracted:

"Why is one leg shorter than the others?"
"It's not that much shorter. Besides, half the population only have 4 legs."
"This is silly, why does Joanne's only have 4 legs and ours has 5? I want a new specimen."
"Well talk to Mr. Halfinger about it."
"No, he's a jerkwad."
"You're a jerkwad."
"Yeah, but I don't make the whole class dissect these thingies just to satisfy my jollies."
"Look, if you're so worked up about that 5th leg just cut it off."
"Cut it off.... yeah?"
"Yeah. It probably doesn't need it. I'm sure the thing won't even miss that stumpy little leg when it wakes up."
"Maybe..."
"You could keep it as a souvenir."
"Heh heh..."
"Or stick it in Joanne's locker."
"Yeah, that'd be funny. Alrite. Hand me the scissors. Right. Now: hold it up for me... Hold it up!"
"Okay okay... but... wait; there's no bone in this leg."
"Maybe that's why it's so short."
"It's not that short, dude."
"Okay whatever; maybe that's why it's only as long as it is."
"Better. Got the scissors ready?"
"Yep."
"On three. Ready? One... Twooooo... Th--"
"HEY, WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?"
"Nothing, Mr. Halfinger."

Tom Cruise's Left Nut

Why is it that people (guys, usually) would "give their left nut for [something good]". Why not their right one? How is it that value is assigned to each nut separately? Furthermore, how can one nut be deemed so worthless in comparison to the other that they'd give it away in exchange for something else?

Now, I would hope that what they would give it away for is actually quite important, but you never know. On the weekend I heard Tom Cruise say he'd give his left nut to become a cadet major ("Taps", 1981). Maybe his nuts aren't worth all that much to him or something, but it doesn't sound like a fair trade to me. I'm sure there are some guys out there with the power to make him a cadet major that might call him up and say, "So, were you serious about that?" Now what they'd do with Tom's ball is beyond me... Maybe frame it? They'd have to flatten it first.

Then take the Chinese eunuchs as another example. They gave up BOTH their nuts just to serve the Emperor of China. They must have wanted that a little more than Tom Cruise wanted the "perks" that went along with moving up in the marine corps. Still... if I was browsing monster.com and I happened to come across a posting that required some light travel, experience with MS Office and my left nut, I'd probably pass.

I, for one, wouldn't give my left nut for almost anything. I say almost because maybe I'd give it away in exchange for a) the same nut right back in the same place and otherwise intact plus b) a cool million dollars. But actually, in that event I'd have to hope that whosoever's offer I accepted actually didn't try to collect the nut. I'd hope that they'd say, "Here, just take the million and we'll call it even. But I want the attaché case back; it wasn't part of the deal."

Unbreakable

When I was a kid I thought that everything that could be put together could be taken apart and then put back together again. Cuz really, what are we but made up of little atomic building block pieces? *POP* Skeletor's plastic head comes off. *POP* Skeletor's head goes back on. Simple.

That's when I was a kid. Then I got a bit older and realized that there was a small subclass of things that were harder to put back together than to take apart. --Still possible, mind you. Just harder. Take mom's fancy dishes for example. Easily knocked from the cabinet when playing murder-ball in the dining room in full hockey gear, but harder to put back together than Skeletor's head or my own dismembered corpse. But, with the right glue (and I'm talking some futuristic, invisible super-glue here) and expert hands (of somebody who spent lots of time with building blocks) those plates would look brand spanking new and be right back behind the glass of the cabinet faster than you could say, "What the heck is he blabbing on about?"

So then I got even older. That's when cold, harsh reality set in. Yeah, it was about time for me to grow up and realize that maybe not everything could be put back together exactly like it was. Like, well, the rebuilt Germany after WWII was probably not exactly the same as it had been before. And a cottage-cheese replica of the Louvre would probably never be the same once it was left in the sun for 2 days after being sneezed on by Lionel Ritche's daughter. Oh, well. Maybe not everything can be put back together again.

Anyway, I gotta go replace a lightbulb in my bathroom (it's easier than fixing it).

Ghostbusters

It's all a trick played on the audience. And it happened twice.

Busting ghosts? Please. It's about sex.

Now I know what you're thinking: Of course that's what a guy would think. But before you put me off, riddle this; why at the end do they hold these "busting" guns at crotch-level, fire it at this woman, who then turns into this big monster and then in the end they all end up covered in sticky, white goo?

The second movie was worse. Turns out shooting lasers didn't get through to the audience. So they tossed them in favour of vaguely member-shaped guns that literally squirt goo out of the end. What do they do with them? Climb up the dress of the statue of liberty and squirt it all over her insides (which apparently makes her happy enough to start walking).

Think about it.

Ghostbusters? Yeah, they're busters all right.

These blog things are stupid.

Anybody with a blog is a loser.