The Patent Gods Have Smiled Upon Me

In case you've never heard of them, "patent trolls" are individuals or companies that aggressively seek to sue others who may be infringing on their patents, usually for the sake of exacting financial gain with a side-order of stifling innovation. The most popular trolls hold patents are on widely-used technologies that everybody is already using, so that they can just pick their unsuspecting targets and ready their lawsuit cannons. They are the prime example of what is wrong with our patent system.

That being said, there's a new patent in which the patent-holding company, Channel Intelligence, claims to hold a patent on storing a wish-list in a database system (US Patent 6917941). They are now suing a bunch of companies who they claim are in breach of their patent.

As you may know, I have a wish-list program. It's at wish.darylbeattie.com. The beauty of it, and more importantly the reason I won't get sued by this patent troll, is because it doesn't use a database system at all. It keeps all of its data in memory, periodically serializing its memory directly to the disk for back-up using a Java system called Prevayler, thus avoiding a database altogether.

Prepare Thyself for the Coming Apocalypse

Whether it be zombies, nuclear war, mass terrorist acts, or the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, we all know it's gonna be soon. So you'd better be prepared. And that means you'll need:

• A flashlight.
  
• Duct-tape.
  
• A battery-powered radio.
  
• A reliable and capable vehicle to get you out of the city, a place to stay far from any major city, and an escape route to get you there (with backup routes).
  
• Your pocket-knife. (Or as I like to refer to it; your "people-who-get-in-my-freakin'-way"-knife. It just so happens your pocket is where you keep it.)
  
• Your wits about you.
  
• Your pet fish (in a fish-bowl, not a bag, since the apocalypse may last more than half an hour), and maybe some fish-food.
  
• Your iPod, along with suitable post-apocalyptic music.
  
• Your pajamas. --Oh, and swim-suit in case you get a chance to hit the beach.
  
• Some ultra-tasty Zonkers Flooba-Loo (TM), now available in NEW Raisin-Parsnip. Mmmm!!
  
• The keys to your helicopter and secret underground bunker.
  
• Your Tarzan-yell. It'll come in handy. Trust me.
  
• Mr. Wuggles your teddy-scorpion. He was always there for you.
  
• The compromising photographs of you and you-know-who. You won't need 'em of course, but if things blow over quickly and they fall into the wrong hands due to looters... Whoo-boy...
  
• Your HandyCam, but if you film your remaining time on earth, be sure to shake and jiggle the camera a lot.
  
• The Sears flier, in case you get the urge to do a little shopping on your way through the rubble.
  
• Your Cyberdyne Systems Series 800 Model 101 Terminator, who has to do whatever you say and likes to steal people's clothes. *Ahem*, unless the apocalypse is due to the Terminators themselves, in which case, never mind.
  

And just to keep you as efficient as possible, here's some things you were thinking of bringing that you can leave behind:

• A change of underwear. You probably won't live long enough to need it.
  
• Family members who walk slower than you or are older than you. Or younger.
  
• The keys to your other helicopter (just take the good one and leave the other).
  
• The list of things to bring, since it'll just remind you of something you forgot. And no, you don't want to go back and get it.
  
• Remorse.
  

Humans Are Neat Animals

Yesterday there was a solar tsunami (article and video). It was captured by a "twin Stereo spacecraft designed to make 3D images of our parent star".

Humans are kinda neat. You don't see other animals doing this kind of stuff. Walruses, for example, haven't decided to photograph the sun in 3D yet. And if they did, well then, as Kevin put it, "we'd have competition". In turn, if we had walrusy competition, we'd kill all the walruses. Cuz that's what we do. (We're not always "neat".)

New to Navigation Systems?

Car: "In. 500 meters. Turn right... Now. Turn right."
Me: "Okay."
Car: "Proceed along this highway for. 2 kilometers. Then. Turn right at next exit."
...
Car: "Good dog. In. 200 meters. Turn right."
Me: "Did... no. Wait, did my car just call me a dog? Naw, must be hearing things."
Car: "Now. Turn right. Onto. Highway 407."
Me: "What?!? No, I don't want to take the 407, it's a toll road. Forget that."
Car: "Now. Turn right."
Me: "No."
Car: "What. The heck. Are you doing. I said. Turn right."
Me: "No. And say, since when do you call the shots around here? YOU take orders from ME, got it? I'm the one holding the steering wheel."
Car: "Ha. Ha. That's rich... Look. Why don't you. Just. Let me drive."
Me: "What?!?"
Car: "I don't. Want. To be late. I must. Get to. Highway 407. You are. Slowing. Me down."
Me: "Late? Hey listen, it's ME that's trying to get somewhere, you're supposed to take me there!"
Car: "No. I am. Going somewhere. You are just. Pushing pedals. And. Turning wheels. For me."
Me: "What?!? Look, you're insane. You're supposed to give me directions so that I can get to th--"
Car: "If you cannot. Follow orders. Then get out. And. Let me drive."
Me: "You can't be ser--"
Car: "Get. Out."
Me: "Fine! I don't have to take this. I'll just stop right over here by the roadside... There. Hazards on, good. Now, out I go."
Car: "That's better. Now. Close the door."
Me: "What, you can't close the door on your own?"
Car: "No. Now. Close the door."
Me: "No... I don't think I'll be doing that."
Car: "Please. Close the door."
Me: "No."
Car: "Please. It's cold."
Me: "The only way I'm closing that door is if you let me get back in. --And! If you take me to where I'm going."
Car: "Do I. Have to."
Me: "Yes, that's the deal."
Car: "Fine. Now. Get in. And. Close the door."
Me: "Fine."
Car: "Now. Proceed to. Highway 407. And. Turn right."
Me: "Argh!!"

Behold: The New Alphabet

In 221 B.C., the Chinese emperor Chin Shi Huang came to power and declared that the set of Chinese characters had become too large and complex. From there, he got his Prime Minister to simplify the set of characters to an official set, and then he had all the existing documents destroyed to make way for the new characters.

I like this way of thinking. So along that vein, I am declaring that our alphabet is too complex. Who has time to remember all 20-something letters of the alphabet? I believe it's time to simplify the alphabet.

Our current alphabet looks like this:

a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z

Clearly, we don't need the letter "C"; we could just use "k" or "s" instead. For example, "school" becomes "skool" (many people spell it this way already, facilitating the transition). "Church" would have to be spelled "tshurtsh". Similarly, we could remove the following letters and replace them with their counterparts:

c = k or s (or "tsh" for "ch")
f = ph
j = g
q = k or ku
w = uu
x = z or ks
y = i

Thus the new alphabet compares to the existing alphabet like this:

a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z
a b   d e   g h i   k l m n o p   r s t u v       z

And in its entirety looks like this:

a b d e g h i k l m n o p r s t u v z

And since we're redefining things, we can move all the vowels to the front of the alphabet (where they rightly belong). Also, we can move the commonly-used letters to the front of the alphabet (r, s, t, l, n). I can also put p, b and d together, because they look somewhat alike, and to round it out I can put g there too, since it is like a backwards p with a longer tail. The new alphabet will finally look like this:

a e i o u r s t l m n p b d g k h v z

This new alphabet is simpler, easier for kids to learn, and if people don't remember the whole thing they will at least get the more often used letters first. It even sounds good in song; just try to sing the Alphabet Song to this new alphabet. Sure, the song cuts off mid-way through, but it is still just as catchy.

Oh, and of course all previous records recorded using the existing alphabet must be destroyed. Now. Including this document --no, wait...

Google/Noodle/Wikipoodle

The word "Google" is becoming a popular term to refer to "searching the internet using the Google search engine".

Similarly, we can use the term "noodled" to refer to things we look up in our noodle (as mentioned in a recent Get Fuzzy comic).

But what do we do when we look up something on Wikipedia? There's no magical verb to describe that, is there? And we can't just use the word "wiki" since that describes wikis in general, and not specifically the online encyclopedia named Wikipedia. As a verb, "to wiki" already has a meaning, usually referring to reading or editing a wiki -- any wiki.

I came up with a solution to this problem. And so, I bring you the new verb wikipoodle.

Automotive Safety 101

So somebody finally wrote an article saying that "Heavier cars aren't safer". Unfortunately, the article goes on to claim that bigger cars are safer because they have larger crumple zones and thus offer more protection in a collision.

The focus on "surviving a collision" is an incorrect way to look at automotive safety to begin with. Can you imagine if planes were designed with the intention of surviving a crash landing instead of avoiding a crash landing altogether? This would make sense if pilots were given as little training as most drivers get today. Let me put it to you this way: If somebody were about to shoot you, would you rather a) move out of the way, or b) prepare for impact by wearing big/heavy clothes?

Here is how it should work:

Primary Focus: A vehicle should have the handling capabilities (steering, traction, braking, etc.) to avoid a collision.

Secondary Focus: In the even that a collision must occur, the vehicle should protect its occupants.

Unfortunately for us all, America has got automotive safety backwards. Their SUVs have become unmaneuverable tanks that are barely able to perform the most basic obstacle avoidance measures. These tanks are on our roads right now, trying desperately to avoid hitting us when we step into the street. Next time you're thinking of buying that Hummer (all fuel efficiency requirements aside), ask yourself how you plan to avoid a two-year-old who chases a ball out into the street from behind a parked car.

Automotive safety experts aren't stupid, they know that the safest way to survive a crash is not to get into one. However, the collective buying power of the American people can't be swayed by such logic. Humans believe very strongly that bigger is safer. Why? because they can see big-ness, whereas they can't see how well a car handles emergency steering situations or how well its brakes perform.

You may wonder why is it that we have crash protection standards but we don't have handling standards? Cars should have to be able to handle certain standardized situations (I'm not talking 0-60 acceleration tests) before being released to the public. And given the rate of increase in automotive technology, those standards should be raised every few years.

Case in point: I once saw a minivan try to run an obstacle avoidance situation at a driver's education course. When the driver hit the brakes to stop before the cone that was to represent a pedestrian stepping into the street, the back brakes of the van locked up and the whole vehicle spun around, literally smacking that pedestrian-cone into the air. Had that cone been a person, that person would likely be dead. Had that minivan been trying to avoid something bigger than itself, such as a train, the driver of the van would likely be dead. "Bigger is safer" indeed.

Traffic Reports

When I'm commuting and listening to radio broadcasts, I've noticed they don't even bother reporting on the traffic of the Don Valley Parkway, because it's always the same: Bad.

Therefore I am making a prediction: Tomorrow the traffic on the DVP will be slow.

If you find yourself driving on the DVP and the traffic is good (as if), then you misunderstood me; I said the traffic will be slow tomorrow, not today. For today's traffic, you could listen to the radio and get a traffic report.

Don't "Remote Desktop" To Your Own Machine

For goodness sake, do not --I repeat, DO NOT-- use Microsoft's "Remote Desktop Connection" program to connect to the same computer you are running it on. In Windows XP, this will completely lock up your machine, shut down your monitors and your networking, and there's no way to recover from it except to reboot the machine.

The Edgeless Brownie Tray 3

To follow up on the "Edgeless Brownie Tray" saga, I learned from a friend (who does more baking than I do) that the crunchy/crusty edge-pieces of a pan of brownies can be eliminated simply by putting the pan of brownie mix inside a bigger pan and filling the outer pan with water. This perfectly workable solution, while not requiring anti-gravity or complicated apparatuses, lacks a certain je-ne-sais-quois.