Biannually

"Biannually" has got to be one of my most hated words. That's because it means both "twice a year" and "once every two years".

For the good of humanity, I am proposing that this word be abolished from the English language. I have personally not used it in many years, opting instead to say, "twice yearly" or "every two years" as needed. I'd love to use the words "semiannually" and "biennially" instead, but the truth is that I'm worried those seldomly-used words might cause the same level of confusion. Thus, I'd rather spell it out using multiple words, like "twice yearly, meaning occurring two times in a 365 day period (or 366 day period if it's a leap year), i.e. when your age goes up by 1, it should have happened more than once but less than three times." Sure it takes longer to say, but I think it's better than the alternative.

Take these equivocal statements for example:

• "I like to shower biannually." This is either really gross or really really gross depending on which is meant. I'd propose, "I'm very dirty-dirty" instead.
• "Remember to bleed the pipes biannually, or they could burst and your house could explode." It may be safer in this case to assume one meaning over the other. What the person should have said instead of using the "biannually" statement was, "There, all done. Call me if you need anything."
• "We require equal payments of $50,000 biannually for 4 years, or Bruno here will come and visit you." Even though you may have only borrowed $100,000, it's still not clear which "biannually" the Godfather intended. Either he's being gracious and you're getting the loan interest-free, or you've just gotten yourself into a heap of trouble (better keep your stable locked at night).
• "Daryl posts to his blog biannually." --Well no... this one is okay.