Darylnadia

Sometimes I get tired of governments. They're too slow, they tax the hell out of you, they don't serve justice most of the time, they're too concerned with elections and they're very self-interested in general. Many times as a child I thought to myself, "Man, I'm just going to go and make my own country."

Enter the independent state of Darylnadia. Darylnadia is a great place to live; it has its own set of laws, own leader, own flag and national anthem (yes, it's even called "The National Anthem"). Darylnadia's land extends for a radius of about 1 meter around Daryl --er, me. It does have its own fixed land... somewhere. Can't remember where I put it exactly. But basically, when I'm in Canada the state of Darylnadia follows me around. Wherever I am there's a two-meter circular island of embassy land for Darylnadia, within which the laws of Darylnadia apply and not those of Canada.

You can imagine how being Darylnadian (or basically, "being Daryl") could lend itself to trouble. For example, if I steal something I'd have to be tried by a jury of my peers under a judge in the courts of Darylnadia, not Canada. If that judge and jury actually let me off, well... I'd be a free man, and what would stop me from repeat-offending? Lucky for me that all the inhabitants of Darylnadia are decent, responsible and law-abiding citizens.

Stealing happens to be illegal in both Canada and Darylnadia, but not all the laws are the same. In most cases the laws of Darylnadia are much harsher than those of Canada. For example, did you know that in Darylnadia the fine for smoking (at all, anywhere) is $20,000? And that's not a maximum fine either, it's a minimum. Also, the punishment for abusing an animal is execution. Same for abusing children, actually. There are only a few things that are not illegal in Darylnadia but are illegal in Canada. I can't list them all of the top of my head, but for example, jay-walking is not illegal in Darylnadia.

You want some facts about Darylnadia? Sure:

• It has 0% crime,
• Its capital and largest city is Daryl,
• Its official language is English,
• Its government is a monarchy with a king well-loved by the people,
• Its geographical area is approximately 2*pi square meters,
• Its population is 1,
• It is a very clean country,
• It has great respect for the environment,
• It has no army,
• It has no foreign policy agenda,
• It has freedom of speech, religion, and breakfast,
• It has the highest per capita literacy rating in the world,
• It has the highest standards of human and animal rights of any known country,
• It has no minimum drinking age,
  
• Its shares a currency with Canada.
  

Want to visit Darylnadia? Well if you know me, chances are you've already visited. It's an unguarded border (depending how deep into the country you want to venture). Anybody who is found within its lands is granted automatic Darylnadia Visitor Status. So come on down! (Though it can get crowded here sometimes, just to warn you.)

How To Recognize A Werewolf

Sorry, you're on your own.

How To Recognize A Zombie

Similarly with zombies, if you're not on the lookout, you can find yourself brainless in a pinch. So look out for people who:

• Want to hug you from a distance,
• Are a little more "bitey" than most people,
• Order the soylent sandwich at Denny's,
• Used to be dead but are standing before you (Jesus excluded),
• When you ask them, "How was your day?" they reply, "Aannnghhh!!" (teenagers excluded),
• Are wearing "Microsoft Certified Engineer" t-shirts,
• Laugh during "Bio-Dome" starring Pauly Shore, and,
  
• Get up after you "accidentally" back over them with your car.
  

How To Recognize A Vampire

Few people realize that we regular humans (the "sheep") are at daily risk of being sucked dry by the hose-toothed vampires that are hidden all around us. But that's not even the scary part. The scary part is that hardly anybody can recognize a vampire from a regular human. Most people are just blood-sacks waiting to be punctured. That's where I come in.

For those of you who were wondering if anybody you know is a vampire, these traits should help you identify them. Because vampires;

• Are typically white people for some reason (except for some dhampires like Blade),
  
• Are mostly males,
  
• Act normally most of the time but can suddenly change into crazed, blood-sucking lunatics on a whim, yelling "Gaaaaaahh!!!" as they do it,
  
• Are usually rich somehow, even though you'd think that having to avoid sunlight their entire lives would hamper their prospects,
  
• Are prone to having bad breath (but not garlic-breath),
  
• Aren't often in church attendance,
  
• Change jobs often (to hide from their co-workers that they don't age), and,
  
• Avoid public rest-rooms, on account of those places usually having big mirrors. This usually means they have something stuck in their teeth.*
  

That should help you in identifying any vampires. Thank me later.

* "--No, other side. Top tooth, not bottom! No, the tooth next to that one. Yeah, that's the one. Other side. You got it. No wait, it's still there. Okay, I think it's gone now. Yeah, it's gone."

Satan Drives A Porsche

I once heard Satan say, "Nice car! I love those Bavarians. So meticulous." In case you're wondering, no he wasn't saying it to me. --But actually I tend to agree with him on that one, even though we disagree on mostly everything else.

Ever since then I figured Beelzebub must be driving some kind of German car. Not because Germans are evil (they're not), but rather because they build good cars and Satan has expensive tastes. I kinda imagined it to be the original VW Beetle, you know due to the whole Hilter-commissioning relationship. And of all people to make use of a car that can float, you'd think it would be Satan.

However, today I learned that Satan drives a Porsche. And not only does he drive one, but he likes to take it onto the track and try to devour people's souls with it. Again, I probably shouldn't be surprised.