How to Walk in a Mall

You've walked through malls before. You've seen people pull fancy moves in the crowds and wondered to yourself, "How can I become so effective at walking through a mall?" Well folks, today is your lucky day, because I can tell you how! By practicing these moves at home in your living room, you will become a master mall-walker in no time. Once you have perfected these techniques, you can unleash your mad skills upon the unsuspecting public at a mall near you. Now, without further ado, here's what you need to do:

1. Don't move aside for people who are walking in your way. Just walk straight. You're better than everybody else, so they have to move for you.

2. When walking along in the mall, try to take up as much room as possible. If you're with somebody, be sure to hold their hand yet walk as far away from them as possible (forming a "clothes-line"). Even if you're both of the same sex, guys; don't let it distract you that you're holding your best bud's hand -- remember, the key here is to take up as much room as possible.

3. Walk slowly. Take your time. Don't worry about those other busy-bodies walking quickly to their destinations. They just don't get that life is all about the journey -- your journey. The fact that they are actually trying to get somewhere in a timely fashion means that they just don't get what the journey (yours) is all about.

4. When coming to the the top/bottom of an escalator, instead of walking away when you step off the moving steps, stop and take the time to look around for a while. After all you may have forgotten why you took the escalator in the first place, so it's best to take a look around and get your bearings in your new surroundings before heading off in a particular direction. Pay no mind to the people piling up behind you; they'll be awestruck at your mall navigation skills.

5. Advanced: If you think you can handle it, try the flip maneouvre. To do this, walk in front of somebody at the same speed as they are walking, then suddenly turn and walk in the complete opposite direction (without stopping first)! This takes skill to execute properly.

6. Advanced: If you see somebody of a race, sex, or wearing clothes that you don't like, then go ahead snicker at them -- right in their face so that they know they're not wanted in your turf. You're the alpha male dog here. And if you're a female, well then at least the name will fit.

Don't Flush Your Cat

Bad things can happen. No matter how naughty your cat has been, or how much the bet is worth, don't do it. Oh yeah, and also it's rather inhumane.

This has gotta make you wonder where the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles go when such a thing happens. Maybe they can get away on their skateboards, but Splinter probably can't run that fast. You'd think he'd smell like wet rat for days.

Quick With The Ziplock!

Today I was trying to close a ziplock bag with one hand while holding the bag in that hand. On 1-to-10 the scale of "difficult things I've had to do in my life" it would rate about 1.072. To put that into perspective, it lies somewhere above doing the hokey-pokey and below catching a frightened snake with bare hands. It was somewhat difficult, and I wasn't too quick about it. But that was okay, because I had all the time I needed to complete the task. Besides, it's not as if the world's fate rested upon the speed with which I could close the bag, right?

Well, I have it on good authority that on August 4th, 2038 at 11:09 AM EST (or thereabouts) the world's fate will rest upon that exact task being completed quickly. For if it is to take too long, a huge asteroid will collide with Earth and wipe out virtually all life. [I say "virtually" because all that would survive would be a few colonies of bacteria that live within rocks deep underground.] You see, at that time there will be some person in a spacecraft in orbit above the earth (I'm not making this up) and he or she will be using one arm to hold onto a bar that will keep the person near necessary controls while the other is frantically trying to seal a ziplock bag without losing grip of the bag. The bag will contain a liquid that, if too much of it leaks out and comes in contact with the controls, will short them out in true Hollywood fashion causing the onboard asteroid-destroying weaponry to instantly become as accurate as Dick Cheney's mallard aiming capabilities (in other words, "goodbye planet"). Thus, the entire planet's fate will rest upon closing that bag quickly and with one hand.

The thing is, I don't have it on any authority exactly who the person is that will have to close that ziplock bag. It could be me. In that case, I had better be prepared, right? And what better way to prepare than to practice? Granted I wasn't actually practicing when I tried to close the bag, but it can still be considered practice. Kinda like how playing with dolls can be considered practice for motherhood (unless you are a guy), but more directly so.

You should give it a try; it could be you that saves or destroys us all based solely on how quickly you can seal a ziplock bag with one hand while holding the bag with that hand.