How to Walk in a Mall

You've walked through malls before. You've seen people pull fancy moves in the crowds and wondered to yourself, "How can I become so effective at walking through a mall?" Well folks, today is your lucky day, because I can tell you how! By practicing these moves at home in your living room, you will become a master mall-walker in no time. Once you have perfected these techniques, you can unleash your mad skills upon the unsuspecting public at a mall near you. Now, without further ado, here's what you need to do:

1. Don't move aside for people who are walking in your way. Just walk straight. You're better than everybody else, so they have to move for you.

2. When walking along in the mall, try to take up as much room as possible. If you're with somebody, be sure to hold their hand yet walk as far away from them as possible (forming a "clothes-line"). Even if you're both of the same sex, guys; don't let it distract you that you're holding your best bud's hand -- remember, the key here is to take up as much room as possible.

3. Walk slowly. Take your time. Don't worry about those other busy-bodies walking quickly to their destinations. They just don't get that life is all about the journey -- your journey. The fact that they are actually trying to get somewhere in a timely fashion means that they just don't get what the journey (yours) is all about.

4. When coming to the the top/bottom of an escalator, instead of walking away when you step off the moving steps, stop and take the time to look around for a while. After all you may have forgotten why you took the escalator in the first place, so it's best to take a look around and get your bearings in your new surroundings before heading off in a particular direction. Pay no mind to the people piling up behind you; they'll be awestruck at your mall navigation skills.

5. Advanced: If you think you can handle it, try the flip maneouvre. To do this, walk in front of somebody at the same speed as they are walking, then suddenly turn and walk in the complete opposite direction (without stopping first)! This takes skill to execute properly.

6. Advanced: If you see somebody of a race, sex, or wearing clothes that you don't like, then go ahead snicker at them -- right in their face so that they know they're not wanted in your turf. You're the alpha male dog here. And if you're a female, well then at least the name will fit.