Kevin: More Than Meets The Eye

Most of Kevin's life is shrouded in myth and mystery. It is widely known that he grew up in Japan and was taught the art of samurai at a young age by his step-uncle Vladimir, and that his obsession with a late 16th-century English vase eventually led to his deportation from his adopted home in Surrey. It is also known that he rescues bunnies from active volcanoes between cloud-surfing competitions, and that he likes to perform experiments with plastics in his lifelong quest to invent a material that is indistinguishable from snot yet has ten times the tensile strength. But when it comes to Kevin himself, his loves and desires, little is held in public knowledge.

I have forever been trying to unlock the mystery of Kevin. Convinced that there is some central tenet of his past that would account for his sudden change from raging alcoholic to defender of the mystical realm of Narnia, I have ventured all across the globe. Having spoken with numerous Kevin experts and scholars of all different educational institutions, having excavated the childhood home of his and his ancestors, and having applied the latest in laser-mapping technologies to his belly-button lint, I am still no closer to finding the truth. In fact, were I not grossly overpaid at my job of Kevinologist all these years, I would have surely given up decades ago.

That is, until very recently. No doubt you have all heard the news of the unveiling of Kevin's new blog, the very purpose of which seems to be to slap all Kevinology research in the face and bring disgrace to Kevinologists the world over. Just when the last of us were about to give up in frustration, Kevin releases a blog whose subject matter can only be described as a U-turn from all things Kevin. In fact, for the first time ever, on the subject of Kevin, I am completely speechless. His blog makes no sense. It is no doubt an attempt to confound all those who try to understand him at all but the surface level. Don't believe me? Check it out for yourself.

So I am quitting my job as Kevinologist at the University, in favour of retiring to my grape-vines and the solitude of my country estate. All that I have to say about Kevin, besides all the stuff I already said that is completely false, is that when it comes to him there is definitely more than meets the eye. Oh, and he might be a robot in disguise.