How To Recognize A Vampire

Few people realize that we regular humans (the "sheep") are at daily risk of being sucked dry by the hose-toothed vampires that are hidden all around us. But that's not even the scary part. The scary part is that hardly anybody can recognize a vampire from a regular human. Most people are just blood-sacks waiting to be punctured. That's where I come in.

For those of you who were wondering if anybody you know is a vampire, these traits should help you identify them. Because vampires;

• Are typically white people for some reason (except for some dhampires like Blade),
  
• Are mostly males,
  
• Act normally most of the time but can suddenly change into crazed, blood-sucking lunatics on a whim, yelling "Gaaaaaahh!!!" as they do it,
  
• Are usually rich somehow, even though you'd think that having to avoid sunlight their entire lives would hamper their prospects,
  
• Are prone to having bad breath (but not garlic-breath),
  
• Aren't often in church attendance,
  
• Change jobs often (to hide from their co-workers that they don't age), and,
  
• Avoid public rest-rooms, on account of those places usually having big mirrors. This usually means they have something stuck in their teeth.*
  

That should help you in identifying any vampires. Thank me later.

* "--No, other side. Top tooth, not bottom! No, the tooth next to that one. Yeah, that's the one. Other side. You got it. No wait, it's still there. Okay, I think it's gone now. Yeah, it's gone."